“You can never care too much,
you can only choose the wrong things to hold close.”
Some reasons why I love Braden.
I got off a horrible phone conversation and am processing some really awful news. So he hugs me, tells me he loves me, makes sure that I have coffee and then starts cleaning the house. He knows that even when he can’t fix the shit he can make my environment as comfortable and beautiful as possible.
“So many people glorify and romanticize “busy”. I do not. I value purpose. I believe in resting in reason and moving in passion. If you’re always busy/moving, you will miss important details. I like the mountain. Still, but when it moves, lands shift and earth quakes.”
“Life is too short not to have the underwear, the coffee, and the haircut you want.”
The voice of perfectionism.
Some of the “yuck” I alluded to in my blog posts last week was coming from the fact that I had gotten weighed down by my own internal critic: that perfectionistic voice that sends never-good-enough messages.
It’s been a my-whole-adulthood-so-far journey to try to divert “coulda woulda shoulda” thoughts. My therapist describes this as being on a game board where each square represents a different set of learned behaviors that we operate from. When I’m working out of a place of guilt or shame, she’s been coaching me to simply choose another learned behavior/square to stand on. Instead of standing on guilt or shame I find a place to work from where I can say “I’m trying” or “these things take time” or more recently: “I’m educating myself about an entirely new field (including business taxes, law and state regulations) and building a company without a model (because I’ve never heard of a business like mine), all while managing a massive amount of familial stress, making new friendships, maintaining relationships with my best friends who are now all long distance, investing daily in my marriage so it stays happy and healthy and functional, keeping my pets exercised and socialized and well-fed, getting in shape, feeding my body well, having a pleasant and clean home and keeping up with the freaking dishes, volunteering on a weekly basis, reading for fun and personal development, being involved with my church and closing in on year ten of intensive cognitive behavioral therapy; it’s ok if I don’t feel perfectly together all the time.”
With this in mind I’m much less likely to come down on myself for not thinking of every possible detail that could have made an event perfect this time around or to be self-critical for not having the right words to say to a hurting friend.
One good thing that came out of feeling bowled over last week: I knew where to get help and I asked for it without hesitation. This is something I’m becoming really skilled at in my twenties and I’m so grateful for the friends and mentors who showed me how. Last week I knew to talk to my business advisor and my therapist and my friend C who was a hugely supportive character in my making big life changes over the last year and who helps me to focus on what is important. That is of course in addition to my hardcore, first-line-of-defense like B and photolodico. Being a safe person for myself by identifying and taking advantage of the resources that help me do self-care and grow is my favorite way to be self-loving and self-respectful.
Today I feel exhausted from being up until five for a friend who needed to go to the ER last night (pneumonia), but really proud of my emotionally healthy #girlboss behavior. (Though, confession, I haven’t read that book yet.) Rewarding myself tonight with scented candles and a veggie-full dinner and reading a novel and salted dark chocolate, because treat yo self.