To Begin Where I Am

I feel like I want to murder someone. And also I want soft pretzels.

In which no one gets us but at least we have each other.

B: So I modified the words to "War Pigs" in that group text I sent out so that it was about the beer board, and everyone thought I was just writing crazy poetry.

Me: (facepalm) Peasants. That's like last week in small group when I started singing the magic dance song from Labyrinth after that discussion about power and no one knew what I was talking about.

B: Sometimes I think we really are alone in the world.

Rocking a huge nineties side part with confidence at a job interview = unexpected side benefit of applying for work in a creative field.

the moon & how it affects me


a lifetime original

Braden brought home this poster for me from PAX. Nerd love!

Braden brought home this poster for me from PAX. Nerd love!

This is a talk given by a Nashville interior designer, Ruthie Lindsey. I highly recommend you watch the whole thing, it’s seriously inspiring. I started following Ruthie on Instagram last year and a few months later found out that we have mutual friends and in fact she interned at the job I am preparing to leave. I watched this while at home earlier with a headache (damn pollen). It was good timing for me, because it touched on a lot of things I’ve been thinking about. 

Mostly about how I want to cultivate more positivity in my life through my attitude. I’ve been struggling a lot with this for two reasons—one, depression. I’m so grateful that I don’t wrestle with it on the level that many do, but I still feel affected, some times more than others. Even with all of the great changes I’ve been making in my life in the last year, there are still days where I wake up wanting nothing more than to simply not exist. I don’t want to hurt myself, but when I feel like this, I feel hopeless, numb and that life is this yawning expanse of sad and ick. The second reason is sometimes I don’t feel heard or feel that my pain is dismissed. That’s not the reality of my life now, I have a wonderful support group that pays attention and listens (sometimes A LOT) to what I’m going through. But I sometimes forget that people hear me the first time and they don’t forget about me. We come back full circle to the depression here, because I think that’s what makes it hard to keep my head straight about it. 

As Ruthie mentions, I don’t want to be a Pollyanna, and I’ve always had a really hard time with people who are positive in word only. Someone I was once close to did this a lot—she was dismissive of the way things affected her, and would insist on how great life was even in really rough times. I didn’t want her to call me to complain for hours, or to feel like she had to bare her soul to me, plus people are different—maybe it wouldn’t done her a speck of good to vent to me. But the grim determination with which she insisted on the perfection of her life felt so inauthentic and caustic that eventually I didn’t want to deal with it any more and now I hear from her at Christmas when she sends the annual letterpress thing and I send her mother’s day cards and that’s pretty much it. 

What I DO want is to cultivate joy and change what I give my attention to. I’ve been thinking about this particularly in regard to how my time is freeing up and how I can use it in ministry. The past four years have been a lot about my receiving grace and love and not really feeling like I had anything to pour back into my relationships. It’s frankly miraculous to me that there’s anyone left in my life who wants to be around me, and in a lot of ways I actually have better community than I’ve ever had before. Even my spin instructor texts me encouraging notes when she can see I’m having a harder week. So now that I feel like I have more energy to give back I want to think about how I can do that. 

What’s really interesting to me is that since I started praying about all this, my path has been strewn with people who struggle with anxiety, depression and self-worth issues or who are going through grief processing. It’s random—that girl at the gym, the new guy in my small group, a person I connected with online. I don’t have a fully formed idea of how to respond to this, but as I think about the ways that I want to build myself up, by doing some badass homemaking and working on a food blog where I share gatherings I host for friends, it occurs to me that the comfort, safety and creativity that I’m trying to build into my home and my life is possibly something that can be used to encourage and shelter other people who are feeling bruised and tender. Honestly, is there anything better when you are down and out than someone offering you a comfortable chair and a bowl of something hot to eat?

So that’s some stuff I’m thinking about. I’m trying to let it come into focus at the right time and not force it. If recent history is any indication, it probably won’t take too long.

“Maybe happiness is this: not feeling like you should be elsewhere, doing something else, being someone else.”

– Isaac Asimov (via awelltraveledwoman)

(Source: wordsthat-speak, via awelltraveledwoman)

“It seems very safe to me to be surrounded by green growing things and water.”

Barbara Kingsolver

(via peonyandbee)

(Source: akapearlofagirl, via karrinainoregon)

“Why do farmers farm, given their economic adversities on top of the many frustrations and difficulties normal to farming? And always the answer is: “Love. They must do it for the love.” Farmers farm for the love of farming. They love to watch and nurture the growth of plants. They love to live in the presence of animals. They love to work outdoors. They love the weather, maybe even when it is making them miserable. They love to live where they work and to work where they live. If the scale of their farming is small enough, they like to work in the company of their children and with the help of their children. they love the measure of independence that farm life can still provide. I have an idea that a lot of farmers have gone to a lot of trouble merely to be self-employed, to live at least a part of their lives without a boss.”

– Wendell Berry (bringing it to the table)

(Source: awelltraveledwoman)

From last night’s al fresco dinner. It included crab cakes, leek bruschetta, bacon/honey/blue cheese tartines and dark chocolate. YOM.

From last night’s al fresco dinner. It included crab cakes, leek bruschetta, bacon/honey/blue cheese tartines and dark chocolate. YOM.