To Begin Where I Am

I feel like I want to murder someone. And also I want soft pretzels.

Simplify and spend out.

I over complicate things and accumulate clutter in my life, both out of anxiety. What if I’m not doing enough? What if I need this thing? Whatifwhatifwhatif?

I’ve been demanding a lot of myself since I left full time work, in part because I’m afraid of being that person that leaves a day job to pursue their dreams and ends up sitting on their ass instead. So not only have I been figuring out how to run a business, I’ve also been trying to make everything from scratch (from bread to pickles to jam to furniture and household cleaner)—ostensibly to improve my health and budget. I’m trying to maintain a vegetable garden and make bone broth weekly and test new recipes all the time. Too much, guys.

I’ve also been hanging on to stuff, in spite of my decluttering attempts, because I don’t want to find myself without something I need but can’t afford to replace. So I keep every sample this-that-and-the-other, wash glass and plastic food containers to reuse (when I already have plenty) and hang on to anything with a perceived resale value.

I don’t have time to be running and eBay store or acting out a Little House kind of a scenario. I talked to my therapist yesterday about creating space in my life and thoughtfully filling it, rather than manically stuffing things into it out of guilt or fear. I need to get life to a more easily functioning place and learn what it needs to look like now in light of all the changes before I figure out where I should be growing and adding in new things.

In light of that, I’m planning to do a lot less cooking for us. Salads and healthy little or no cooking options from the natural grocery all the way. I’m planning not to have houseguests until our house feels more organized and decluttered, which I will work on in stages as I have energy. I’m not going to obsess over the garden. I will continue with composting and recycling, because those are easy and help with organization, but I put the sourdough starter and kefir in the fridge and the SCOBYs in a dark cabinet. I may be up to the occasional lacto-fermented something, but nothing that requires a schedule right now. Other than routine things like cleaning and laundry that have to get done, and time for prayer and devotions, I’m trying not to schedule anything on a daily basis apart from work.

We’ll see how keeping it simple works. First time for everything, right?

(Source: modrules, via thatkindofwoman)

“Don’t live the same year 75 times and call it a life.”

– Robin Sharma  (via thatkindofwoman)

(Source: pureblyss, via thatkindofwoman)



“The wealth of the church is what it spends upon the poor.”

– Ambrose of Milan (quoted in Christianity and Classical Culture, p. 382)

(Source: littlewicketgate, via lauracricket)

Things about my life.

1. Took a meeting with dream clients today. Farmers who are raising the food they want us to cook for a small rehearsal dinner. It’s going to be a Southern feast with some Asian flavors to honor the couples travels.

2. I was a responsible human and admitted to myself that in spite of the fact that my new job requires me to cook a lot, I cannot really be trusted to feed myself properly with all that I have going on. So I went to out natural grocery store and purchased enough easy, no/little cooking required healthy meals and snacks to get through this week.

3. Got to the brewery to work my shift and all of the sudden, after a perfectly nice day, I was overcome with a feeling of sadness and then fear that something was going to happen to Braden. I used to get scared about him dying a lot for the first three or so years after my dad died, but I’ve really had the irrational anxiety in pretty good check. I had half a pint of cider to steel my nerves and got back to business.

4. Weirdest clients tonight. One was an MC—Harley guys. They were foul mouthed and funny but things took a weird turn at some point with the sexual humor and I left the bar a bit to evaluate my feelings and figure out if what I needed to kick them out. By the time I got back they were ready to pay. Then another man came in on his own, and in the course of fifteen minutes he had told me his life story, told me he loved me (not romantically, you understand, but because we’re all divine beings), forgotten he had paid his tab up front and tipped me three separate times on the same beer. Thankfully he left some of his beer on the counter when he walked out, because I was not about to pour another for him. I didn’t feel triggered by either incident, but I’ve been feeling confused and mad since I COULDHAVEBEEN, and a million other women would be, but I was unclear about whether or not to tell them to fuck off and before I could choose they left.

5. Sweet potato chips with chipotle hummus is a delicious, delicious snack.

6. I can’t wait to be in bed with a cuppa tonight. This day has been a roller coaster.

“I have lost and loved and won and cried myself to the person I am today.”

– Charlotte Eriksson, Empty Roads & Broken Bottles; in search for The Great Perhaps  (via thatkindofwoman)

(Source: wordsnquotes, via okigetit)

Making pasta on a rainy day.

Making pasta on a rainy day.

“You are personally responsible for becoming more ethical than the society you grew up in.”

– Eliezer Yudkowsky (via awelltraveledwoman)

(Source: abundance-mine, via awelltraveledwoman)

“I wanted to smoke Gauloises, drink black coffee and talk about absurdity and maquillage with wicked women and doomed young men… I wasn’t interested in happiness, I was looking for the Holy Grail.”

Marianne Faithfull (via modestyblaises)

Hey, why does that sound familiar, stayanddreamawake?

(Source: ce-petit-tresor, via okigetit)